Arrive Alive! Don’t Blog and Drive!

August 30, 2011 § 1 Comment

Today, my morning drive to work was reborn as a monster.  7:30 AM has turned from a normally boring, stop-go nineteen minute meditation period into a hellish half-hour nightmare of lurching schoolbuses, overcaffeinated soccer moms, and reckless teenagers.  Thus it will remain for another nine months.  School has started. 

You see, there are several routes I can take to my daily 8-5.  The sum total of schools I could pass on any of these ways: two colleges, three elementary schools, and four high schools.  No matter what way I go, I have to endure at least three institutes of learning.  You’d think this bustling evidence of education in America would cheer me, give me hope for our future. 

Think again, fool. 

Instead I was almost rear-ended by a kid in a souped-up Subaru who was obviously running late for his first day of Maybe If I Didn’t Own Such a Stupid Baseball Hat and Wear Sunglasses On a Foggy Morning, I Could Actually Drive class.  (I’d like to think he’ll ace it but I have my doubts.)

Let me introduce you to the game I’ll now be playing every weekday morning.  I call it: What Shall I Drive Behind Today.  Will it be the nostalgic yellow schoolbuses (which I honestly don’t mind, it’s so cute to follow a schoolbus and see the children bouncing around in the back seat and looking all excited and… wait… what- what’s he doing?  The freckle-faced boy with the Spiderman backpack just flipped me off.  Cute trick, kid.)?   Or will it be the hordes of Toyota Siennas/Ford Explorers driven by pajama-clad mothers who clutch their coffees and i-Phones, sign their child’s test, and maneuver the steering wheel with their pinky finger, leaving them withnosparetimeatall to flick on their turn signal?  Or the hungover high schoolers, whose delight at proclaiming to the world (or at least Main Street) through smudgy graffiti that THEY.ARE.SENIOR’S! ! ! ❤ ❤ has left them no clear inch on their windows to see that, actually, I am coming down that road and I, unlike them, do not have a stop sign.  It’s a fun game and I encourage you all to join in. 

Sometimes I drink* while I play What Shall I Drive Behind Today, just to liven it up in case it gets dull.  Almost get crumpled by a Power Mother with Michelle arms who has no time to check her mirrors (or inquire why Tiffany’s breath smells like whipped cream vodka) because’s she’s too busy trying to get to the gym before the tanning salon before the hair stylist?  SHOT!  Avoided the PCP’d-up boys who think it’s hilarious to get high on countryside rides and then navigate their parents’ car like the world is their own Grand Theft Auto?  SHOT!   Been the recipient of annoyed honking because Joe College behind you doesn’t realize the garbagemen and their truck are blocking your lane and there’s a calico cat washing its face in the other lane?  SHOT!  The possibilites, my dears, are endless. 

(*I would never.)

By now, you’re most likely assuming that the moment I pull my (poor, sweet, trying-so-hard-to-stay-whole) Chevy Cruze into the parking garage, I breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Think again, fool!

The journey is not over yet, but I don’t want to overwhelm you.  The frightening details will be continued in my next post.  Until then, drive safely!  (Because if you don’t, I will blog about your awfulness, describe you in outraged, multi-syllabic, and parenthetical ways, and say a prayer that St. Christopher chastises you appropriately.)

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§ One Response to Arrive Alive! Don’t Blog and Drive!

  • McGruff the Crime Dog says:

    Drinking and driving is not funny, Rosemary. My brother McGriff was run over by a drunk driver. Your post was insensitive.

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