December 20, 2013 § 3 Comments
I thought I’d share a few things that have been on my mind lately:
It’s pretty ridiculous that I’m a hockey fan who’s never seen The Mighty Ducks. Maybe my boyfriend should watch those movies with me, instead of forcing me to sit through stab-my-eyes-out-boring ones like Titanic, and Valentine’s Day, and The Fast and the Furious 6. Just kidding about that last one; I love those movies. Vin Diesel’s voice rumbles through me like honey poured over thunder. Rest in peace, Paul Walker. I said a prayer for his soul when I heard the news. I really do like those movies, except for Tokyo Drift. I think we can all agree that was the throwaway of the series. By the way, the beginning of this conversation was not a joke. I mentioned Titanic and Valentine’s Day in the same manner of disdain. I’m a huge fan of Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio, but it was a stupid and really obvious movie. I knew what would happen by 5 minutes in, and I’m not just talking about the ship sinking. Boring. Besides, if you’d spent the entirety of sixth grade having your classmates giggle hysterically and blush every time they/me/the teacher said my NAME, you’d be prejudiced against it too.
It was a normal morning for me today. I showered and then sat in my room, doing my hair and makeup before work, pondering the similarities and differences between the words crisp and crispy. I was thinking about it and it struck me as interesting. For instance, we use them interchangeably when it comes to food, as in “the skin on this chicken is nice and crisp/crispy” but you wouldn’t ever use crispy to describe a breeze blowing, or a piece of wrapping paper. So then I thought maybe it’s food that’s the difference-maker in their meanings. But that’s not true either, because you could describe a burned body as crispy (gross but true, guys.) So maybe it’s fire. I think that’s the difference. See, that rabbit hole? That’s what happens to me sometimes when I’m doing things on automatic pilot, like applying my makeup, or driving, or wiping glasses at the Cafe. I guess I could just look up crisp and crispy in the dictionary but there’s a reason I’m Catholic.
Have you ever noticed that the best Christmas carol verses are always the second or third ones? It’s like these lyricists wanted you to be all, yeah baby Jesus is born! Snow and angels and shepherds! And then boom, they drop the theology on you:
“Christ by highest heav’n adored, Christ the everlasting Lord!
Late in time behold Him come: Offspring of a Virgin’s womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see! Hail the incarnate Deity!
Pleased as man with man to dwell: Jesus, our Emmanuel!”
Or: “Yea Lord, we greet Thee, born this happy morning!
Jesus, to Thee be all glory giv’n!
Word of the Father now in flesh appearing:
O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him: Christ the Lord!”
Or the criminally underplayed “Good King Wenceslaus”:
“In his master’s steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted
Heat was in the very sod
Which the Saint had printed
Therefore, Christian men, be sure
Wealth or rank possessing
Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing!”
Or even “We Three Kings” which I used to think was pretty lame until I actually paid attention.
“Myrrh is mine: Its bitter perfume
Breaths a life of gathering gloom.
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding dying,
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb.
Glorious now behold Him arise,
King and God and Sacrifice.
Sounds through the earth and skies.”
I love Christmas music.
I’ve been thinking about many other things but I’ll spare you the enumeration. Leo and Lucy Countdown: 6 DAYS!! Have a very merry Christmas, everyone!!!
December 13, 2013 § 3 Comments
In honor of the birthday of the most popular Babetski on the internet, I thought I would make a list of a few things you might not have known about him. Everyone looks at Peter Albert Miguel “Peanut Butter” Babetski and sees the boy with a charming grin, the patient altar server, the sports fanatic. But unless you’ve lived with Pete- and lived to tell the tale- you’ve never known his darker side. Through a series of tests disguised as “yearly checkups”, a highly skilled team of doctors has diagnosed Peter as an alien. While his appearance is fully human, his physical attributes and- more importantly- his mind are clearly of a different species. I know it may be a shock to some (others may have seen this coming, and feel a sense of relief that the niggling doubt in the back of their mind when they looked at Peter has finally been explained) but hear me out. There are many events that prove Pete is an alien and this post will endeavor to lay them out before you in a sensible and orderly way. Behold:
1. It’s not known how the aliens managed to “Dana Scully” my mother, but evidence points to the night she broke her leg falling down our front porch steps. It was a dark and stormy November night when she went outside to take the trash out. After a prolonged absence that caused my father to wonder aloud “Where did Mom go?”, someone finally looked outside and beheld her lying at the foot of our steps. This was about three weeks before she was due with the child we now know as Peter. We rushed out to rescue her and all she could say about her accident was that there had been a flash of bright light, which caused her to slip and fall, and that her leg had folded beneath her. The hospital wouldn’t put a cast on it because they said that would interfere with the labor. Thus, Peter was “born” in a whirling maelstrom of agony and distress, which would chart the course for the rest of his peculiar and otherworldly life.
2. When Peter was a baby, he had colic for a while. His screams and fits were legendary, loud enough to reach the clouds and shrill enough to shatter glass. The doctors scratched their heads at the incredible amount of power his lungs could produce. This was when he first exhibited signs that his origins might not be of this world.
3. At the precocious age of one, Peter began to speak gibberish like most babies. However, his mangled syllables and distorted grunts had a disconcerting sound to them… a sound that some likened to an alien language.
4. As Peter grew, we tried to ignore the odd way he’d stare longingly up into the sky, as if yearning to be there. We overlooked his strange conversations, peppered with phrases like “the mother-ship”, “when this exploratory mission is over”, and “take me to your leader”. We were blind. And in our blindness, our enemy crept closer.
5. When he was a toddler, Peter liked to crawl into bed with his big brother Dan. The two have maintained a close friendship over the years, despite the disparities in age, height, and planetary origin. It has long been a secret hope in our family that Dan will be the one entrusted with the task of forging an amicable relationship between humans and aliens.
6. Peter’s ability to consume massive amounts of chicken fingers and french fries in one sitting has led the scientists to believe that his home planet has a climate that’s very suitable for raising livestock and growing tubers. While this agrarian tendency might cause naive people to relax, thinking that Pete’s race is not planning on eating us when they finally all arrive, others are more cautious in their assumptions of peace.
7. “I know I’m short. It doesn’t bother me. As long as I’m tall enough to ride the roller coasters at Dorney!” Peter’s calm acceptance of his stature has scientists wondering if this height is “the norm” in his alien culture. Some speculate that their race has evolved into shortness, perhaps to allow for less bending and stretching when picking tuber crops in the field and sprinkling seed for the poultry.
8. In taking the name Miguel for his Confirmation, Peter paid homage to Blessed Miguel Pro, a newly beatified priest who was martyred in Mexico in 1927. Hints of why an alien would choose Miguel as his patron are found when reading that Miguel served as a priest in Mexico during the time when Catholicism was outlawed. He carried out his secret ministry with courage and strength, and often wore disguises to keep his real identity from being discovered. A lifestyle Peter is doing his best to emulate, indeed.
9. A near obsession with war-inspired video games might seem normal enough for a teenage boy, but Peter’s actions should always be scrutinized for hidden meanings. Is he practicing for the day when his alien brethren arrive to do battle with us for Earth’s fertile soil? He claims to play with his ‘schoolmates’, but who is he really talking to when he speaks into that Xbox headset? Have the technologically advanced aliens discovered a way to translate his spoken commentary on the games from English into his native tongue?
10. Peter will most likely kill me now that I’ve outed him.
Farewell, my friends. I’m glad that you’re reading this with me, here at the end of all things.