10 Things You Didn’t Know About Peter “Peanut Butter” Babetski
December 13, 2013 § 3 Comments
In honor of the birthday of the most popular Babetski on the internet, I thought I would make a list of a few things you might not have known about him. Everyone looks at Peter Albert Miguel “Peanut Butter” Babetski and sees the boy with a charming grin, the patient altar server, the sports fanatic. But unless you’ve lived with Pete- and lived to tell the tale- you’ve never known his darker side. Through a series of tests disguised as “yearly checkups”, a highly skilled team of doctors has diagnosed Peter as an alien. While his appearance is fully human, his physical attributes and- more importantly- his mind are clearly of a different species. I know it may be a shock to some (others may have seen this coming, and feel a sense of relief that the niggling doubt in the back of their mind when they looked at Peter has finally been explained) but hear me out. There are many events that prove Pete is an alien and this post will endeavor to lay them out before you in a sensible and orderly way. Behold:
1. It’s not known how the aliens managed to “Dana Scully” my mother, but evidence points to the night she broke her leg falling down our front porch steps. It was a dark and stormy November night when she went outside to take the trash out. After a prolonged absence that caused my father to wonder aloud “Where did Mom go?”, someone finally looked outside and beheld her lying at the foot of our steps. This was about three weeks before she was due with the child we now know as Peter. We rushed out to rescue her and all she could say about her accident was that there had been a flash of bright light, which caused her to slip and fall, and that her leg had folded beneath her. The hospital wouldn’t put a cast on it because they said that would interfere with the labor. Thus, Peter was “born” in a whirling maelstrom of agony and distress, which would chart the course for the rest of his peculiar and otherworldly life.
2. When Peter was a baby, he had colic for a while. His screams and fits were legendary, loud enough to reach the clouds and shrill enough to shatter glass. The doctors scratched their heads at the incredible amount of power his lungs could produce. This was when he first exhibited signs that his origins might not be of this world.
3. At the precocious age of one, Peter began to speak gibberish like most babies. However, his mangled syllables and distorted grunts had a disconcerting sound to them… a sound that some likened to an alien language.
4. As Peter grew, we tried to ignore the odd way he’d stare longingly up into the sky, as if yearning to be there. We overlooked his strange conversations, peppered with phrases like “the mother-ship”, “when this exploratory mission is over”, and “take me to your leader”. We were blind. And in our blindness, our enemy crept closer.
5. When he was a toddler, Peter liked to crawl into bed with his big brother Dan. The two have maintained a close friendship over the years, despite the disparities in age, height, and planetary origin. It has long been a secret hope in our family that Dan will be the one entrusted with the task of forging an amicable relationship between humans and aliens.
6. Peter’s ability to consume massive amounts of chicken fingers and french fries in one sitting has led the scientists to believe that his home planet has a climate that’s very suitable for raising livestock and growing tubers. While this agrarian tendency might cause naive people to relax, thinking that Pete’s race is not planning on eating us when they finally all arrive, others are more cautious in their assumptions of peace.
7. “I know I’m short. It doesn’t bother me. As long as I’m tall enough to ride the roller coasters at Dorney!” Peter’s calm acceptance of his stature has scientists wondering if this height is “the norm” in his alien culture. Some speculate that their race has evolved into shortness, perhaps to allow for less bending and stretching when picking tuber crops in the field and sprinkling seed for the poultry.
8. In taking the name Miguel for his Confirmation, Peter paid homage to Blessed Miguel Pro, a newly beatified priest who was martyred in Mexico in 1927. Hints of why an alien would choose Miguel as his patron are found when reading that Miguel served as a priest in Mexico during the time when Catholicism was outlawed. He carried out his secret ministry with courage and strength, and often wore disguises to keep his real identity from being discovered. A lifestyle Peter is doing his best to emulate, indeed.
9. A near obsession with war-inspired video games might seem normal enough for a teenage boy, but Peter’s actions should always be scrutinized for hidden meanings. Is he practicing for the day when his alien brethren arrive to do battle with us for Earth’s fertile soil? He claims to play with his ‘schoolmates’, but who is he really talking to when he speaks into that Xbox headset? Have the technologically advanced aliens discovered a way to translate his spoken commentary on the games from English into his native tongue?
10. Peter will most likely kill me now that I’ve outed him.
Farewell, my friends. I’m glad that you’re reading this with me, here at the end of all things.